Here's the deal. It makes me so crazy how our society puts so much emphasis on being thin. Our nation's obsession with dieting is out of control. When I was thin, I didn't think twice about my looks or what was okay for me to eat. I didn't compare my self to anyone, I was treated like a "normal" person. Now that I am about 25 lbs overweight, I constantly think about it. I know people in my family must wonder what happened to me. Back when I was a skinny girl, I recall several times where "fat"people were criticized by Dan's family. I remember thinking...wow, that was rude! Now I'm thinking...do they think that about me? Of course they don't, they are loving people, but what about the people who don't know me, what do they think? Do I worry about them, no...not really. When I am surrounded by people I don't know do I look around, compare myself and feel relief when I see that I am not the biggest person in the room...sadly, yes. Granted, I am not huge. You would not look at me and say she is obese, but I am overweight and in my mind, I am judged.
I have a hard time taking compliments. I try to make excuses. The other day when I was wearing a skirt a neighbor said to me"wow, I'd show off my legs like you if I had slim legs." To which I replied "Yea I wish my mid-section was slim though."
As a former skinny person, I still think of myself as thin, but then the illusion is shattered every morning when I get dressed. I never in a million years thought I would struggle with my weight like I have. When I was in track in high school someone once said to me "you're so skinny that your spandex running tights are baggy." But something happened around the age of 24 or so...a shift in my metabolism. I started noticing back fat. Weird, I thought...I better go on a diet. Like most who diet, I could lose the weight, for a time. At 27, I got pregnant with Natalie...then Zander. I nursed them both, but never saw the weight drop off like all the books say it will. I finally managed to lose all the baby weight by the time Zander was 2. I enjoyed the skinny life for awhile, new clothes, compliments, renewed self esteem, then I got pregnant again.
The messages from the media about dieting were everywhere. It was after I got pregnant with Hayden and was no longer in weight loss mode that I noticed the incredible number of commercials advertising weight loss programs. LA Weight Loss, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, Metabolife, Trim Spa, NutraSystem, on and on...diet pills, programs, count this, drink that...sign up now. YIKES!!!
I was appalled the other day when Natalie, a very, very thin 5 year old, came to me and said "mom, I'm feeling a little fat today." It just about crushed me to think that the media's warped priorities have effected my little girl already.
Am I excited to have lost 10 pounds? Yes and no. I'm trying to be optimistic, but I've actually lost 10 pounds several times this year...unfortunately, it always seems to find me again. This is so completely frustrating to me that I can hardly get excited anymore when I do lose weight. Since this last pregnancy, the weight just does not want to come off. In fact, I weigh more now than when I delivered Hayden a year ago. This is in part due to the fact that I am a classic stress eater... and this has been a stressful year. Having a very colicky baby who didn't sleep through the night until 7 months, didn't help. Having to sell our home was another stress. Then packing up all our belongings, for the most part by myself while Dan was busy siding the house, was indeed very stressful. Getting adjusted to a new place, new schools for the kids, new neighbors, although exciting, it was exhausting. I kept telling myself, once we're settled, then I can get back on track again.
Over the year I would resolve to lose weight, but found that somehow I would end up sabotaging my efforts in one way or another. With such a large family it seems like there is always a birthday or some kind of celebration where snack foods and dessert would be present. Even when I told myself not to eat that stuff, it (the food) would be out, looking so yummy. Eventually it became too tempting and I would cave in and eat it anyway...then I would feel horrible and the downward spiral of bad eating would begin all over again.
This happened to me in a major way on our anniversary. I had just lost 8 lbs. Then we went away to our favorite B&B on the coast. I started determined not to skip a beat. I ordered healthy things like fish and salads when we ate in a restaurant. Then Dan surprised me with chocolate truffles (4) and champagne! What girl can resist that? The Sand Lake Country Inn, is known for their 24 hour supply of homemade chocolate chip cookies...who can have just one? Although I did have a few treats, I was making wise choices at meal times. We went on a 10 mile walk on the beach one day and the next day we kayaked for an hour. I thought I was burning all those bad calories away, but NO! When I got home, I had gained 4 lbs back...in just a weekend. I was shocked and so disappointed.
Then on August 1, the day after my 33rd birthday, I resolved once again to lose weight. Only this time, I vowed not to throw in the towel if I had a treat. Keep pressing on towards the goal (Philippians 3:14). Here is what my current 10 lb progress looks like:
At first I was losing about 2-3 pounds a week, which I felt was great. It gave me motivation. Then I would go for a spell and nothing. Or I would gain a pound in one day and it would take another 3-4 days to get it off again. If you notice the flat line in the middle...that was our trip to Idaho. I was so proud that I didn't gain a single pound. It gave me more motivation to lose...and I did. So I am sitting here trying to be optimistic. My goal is to lose 15-20 more pounds by Christmas. I don't want another family picture to be taken where I am concerned about my looks. So, please help me out here.To my friends and family...if you are coming over for lunch/dinner, leave the chips, cookies and other temptations at home. I am eliminating processed foods from our diets (more on this in another blog), so that means white sugar and white flour are out as well. It's just too addicting and unhealthy. I am in the process of using up our current supply, but then I won't be buying it or things made with it anymore. (with Christmas time and birthdays as the exceptions).
I am finally able to work out at the gym a couple days a week when the older kids are both in school. This should help a lot. It sure accelerated my weight loss a few years ago when I lost 30 lbs in 3 1/2 months.
Whew!!! Writing this blog entry was more for me than for you today. I hope I didn't bore you to tears, but it felt good to get my thoughts out there. I'm sure I will have more interesting things to say tomorrow.
7 comments:
OMG! We are so paddling in the same boat sister!!!!! :-)
I too weigh more than I did before my 3rd pregnancy. The first two I was able to get back down to prepreg. weight but NOT THIS TIME. It is extremely frustrating! It is so nice to know that I am not the only one who feels skinny on the inside but then the mirrors, fat jeans, back fat, etc. reminds me that I am not on the outside. Who is this person, I don't know this person?
I also am an emotional eater. Having a bad day? Well, let's eat pizza, ice cream that'll make everything better, right?
While we were in NYC we walked EVERYWHERE and lots I thought for sure that the exercise we were doing would make up for the NYC cuisine we'd been eating. NOT! I gained. Whatever!!
So, up for a friendly wager? I don't know about you but I need motivation and support and bless my DH we just totally sabotage eachother's efforts. So, I say, come on Skinny Christmas photos this year! So, here it is...
Whoever loses the most lbs. gets a $$ amount towards their fav. scrapbooking store. I'm pretty sure ours is the same, A joy forever? Anyway, what do you say? I have been thinking about this for a few weeks. Are you game? I don't know about you but free scrappin supplies would get me joggin on the old treadmill and on that floor doin pilates.
Thank God...I knew there had to be someone out there like me...Thanks for your honesty!
BTW don't they have the best food in NYC!!! I was just telling Dan this yesterday how the east coast has great food. Not a new revalation, mind you, but so true. They can't touch our Pacific Salmon though!
Anyway...I too need a motivater. After a year of struggles...show me the money!
However, let's make it about meeting our individual goals. That way we both get to go shopping and the runner up doesn't "binge" after not getting the Scrapbook cash!
Yes, definately, a Joy Forever. My favorite place to spend $$$.
Let's say, if we can loose a certain undetermined amount of weight by the end of each month, then we get a girl's night out at the all night crop ($7) the following month. Then, if we meet our goal by Christmas, our husbands will let us have a shopping spree (undetermined amount...but a lot...of $$$) in January!
What do you think? Anyone else in?
Ok, yeah. That's a better idea! :-)
I'm in! So, when do we start? :-)
Maybe tomorrow.....
:-) SMiles/LOL
Let's start tomorrow. I would like to lose 8-10 lbs per month, until Christmas. So if I do and you meet your goal we will scrap all night at A Joy Forever near the end of October. Sound good? Do you want to add anything?
I finally got logged in, so heres my advice!! Watch biggest loser. It is the most inspirational for me and I hate reality tv for the most part. But if they can work their fat butts off everyday, then the least I can do is take a walk. :-)
I also want to be part of your group and lose 20 pounds by Christmas. That is roughly 2 pounds a week. We can do this Alyssa...and to your family....HELP HER by not bringing tempting treats around. My family has been the most supportive this time and it has really made a difference.
So, lets go, eat your veggies, throw out the processed stuff and work out girl!!! And for our girls weekend, you will only see good food for all of us. If we ever do reach our goal weights, I still want to make a trip to Oprah, or Martha Stewart show....what do ya say!
LETS DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi, baby girl. I do know what you mean. I haven't been down to pre-pregnancy weight since... 1980. And I hadn't lost as much after #3 as I had after the first two. After #4, let’s just say I’m only 10 lbs more than the lowest I’ve been since she came along (which was 16 over pre-pregnancy). Make sure this isn’t a thyroid problem because mine was/is. I know too many people think that their thyroid is to blame when it is the jaw and couch action that puts on the pounds. *B*U*T* low thyroid makes it difficult to do what you know you need to do. Thyroid really does provide our energy – mental and physical. That little gland keeps us alive, you know.
I do know I’ve lost almost 10 lbs since I broke my arm. That’s about a pound a week. I haven’t had much of an appetite – not even for chocolate. Puffed wheat & puffed rice is my snack-food of choice and I do have a mini Mounds bar once in a while. Weird, no?! I do have 2 hours of physical therapy twice a week which does wear me out and my thyroid med was doubled just before the fall.
Last night I was talking to some friends who went on Herr Schu’s (Schumacher from Parkrose) trip to Europe this summer. She said they walked about 15 miles a day, ate huge gourmet meals for dinner that took forever and came home 10 or 20 (can’t remember which) *l*i*g*h*t*e*r*. But, they walked or biked everywhere. I would just like to have the stamina to take the trip. To be capable of walking 15 miles a week sounds like a lot right now. To live life with gusto – more than to be slim – is what I want. I just know that excess of any kind keeps us bogged down.
Here’s to SUCCESS –for reasonable goals – and for some gusto!!!
Mom
A few months ago when I was hanging out at Borders, I glanced through the book French Women Don't Get Fat" and one of the points the author made was, even though the French eat rich foods, they walk almost everywhere they go...whereas, Americans drive almost everywhere...then once they get there they sit (at their desk, job etc). It makes sence, but I can't imagine "walking" to the store. Not anymore...We used to when we lived in Troutdale though.
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